The First Born Perspective

Having a child is the most interesting experience a woman will ever have and especially with her first child. When you think about the chronology of your life as a young girl you see your life as a series of stepping stones: go to college, fall in love, get married, buy a house, have a baby....etc. Having a baby is the natural progression in life. Unlike those other stepping stones, however, having a baby is a life altering committment that is sometimes not considered with the full gravity in which is should be approached. But that is for another post. The point of this post is the new perspective I have now that Cristian is here and fast approaching his 8 month birthday.

To all woman who have yet to experience pregnancy:

I think back to when I was pregnant. I thought that I was never going to have the baby and I would be pregnant forever. How naive I was. The time that I was pregnant was such a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. Enjoy every minute of it and do not complain. First, you are pregnant. There are many woman out there that do not have the good fortune to have children of their own and experience the true miracle of growing a baby. Two, this is truly a bonding time when you (and only you) will feel the movements of your baby. It's a connection that cannot be understood by anyone else.

When it was time to deliver Cristian, I had no idea what to expect. You take the classes, but in all actuality, you will still feel a bit overwhelmed. I know that I was. I do not think that I could fully appreciate what was happening around me because I was on such overload that I did not know what to do or how to approach things. I regret that I did not engage in as many of the options that I could have--like having a mirror to watch C being born.

Once we were home, the hormone swings is something that I was definitely not prepared for since I did not experience any of this while pregnant. However, they are intense. So intense that I feel I did not enjoy the moments in the beginning because I was so focused on getting through those long nights and days. Trying to figure out how to take care of your baby is one of the most important tasks you will have in your life.

Now that we have passed those intense moments, I am enjoying every moment that  I have with Cristian. He is an amazing miracle that makes every day, every minute better because he is in it. His smile is worth any sleep deprivation that I may have to endure. As time speeds by, the thought of child #2 pops into my mind followed by the feelings of guilt. I want to enjoy this time with Cristian while we have it. He deserves it and we deserve it as a family.

I know that we will love baby #2 just as much and I will try and remember all of those things that I have regrets about surrounding C's birth--which also leads to guilt. Will I have a more intense connection to the birth of baby #2 than I will with C's? Baby #2 will never have the one-on-one time that C has had. My point? Guilt. A mother's guilt is an intense thing and I fear it will never go away. These are all things that you should consider when the time comes. This is not just another stepping stone. This is a baby with major implications in your life....and theirs. I have the ability to shape someone's thoughts, behaviors, perceptions, reactions. That is terrifying and humbling all at the same time.

I think I have settled into my life and I have a wonderful husband, a house and an amazing baby. This my friends, is as good as it gets.

Judgment Day

I have a confession. I don't see it as a confession but more recognition of an uncomfortable truth. I am judgmental. I am. It's fact. There are things that I do not like about people. I admit it. There are things about me that people do not like--this trait is probably one of them. Do I like this quality about myself? Absolutely not. Does it make me a bad person? No, because chances are you are judgmental as well. Really think about it. Are you? If you say no, you are lying to yourself. There is someone, somewhere that you have looked at doing or saying something in which you thought to yourself "I would NEVER say/do that. How in the world could they do that?" etc, etc.

It is fact. Go ahead and try to tell me that you never do that. I will laugh at you. However, my confession is that I am this way a lot more than I would like. I see people and I automatically make assumptions based on:

• Word of mouth (I have heard this, that and the other about said person from others and that has colored my judgment)
• Appearance (Is it really necessary to have body parts showing?) 
• Demeanor 
• Vocabulary 
• Attitude towards their children

It is especially true of the latter. How you treat your children in public is especially is especially high on my list of traits I judge people on. There are children I would love to adopt after seeing their parents in action. I digress.

My name is Jenifer and I am judgmental. It's true. I am--though I try not to be.

I'm Thankful, aren't I?

There have been quite a few posts the last 13 days. I guess there is some rule that you must post something you are thankful for each day. Some of the entries are truly touching and nice to read, some are downright revolting and you know that somewhere, someone has written that on a Hallmark card that was rejected. Don't get me wrong-I know you are thankful for the sunrise and being able to take pictures of your feet as you watch it and the dawning of another day in your perfect life. Would it be as perfect if this was not the month of Thanksgiving and you didn't have a phone with which to capture the moment and post it on Instagram? Who knows.

What I do know is that I too am thankful and I never do say that unless it is in the month of November. Shame on me and shame on you. Shame on us all for believing that spouting our thankfulness to the world via social media outlets somehow make the things we are thankful for all that more sweet. However, here goes, and I will conform and comment on the things that I am grateful for.

Many things have happened in the last couple of years and it has been such a whirlwind that I can hardly process it all. Cristian has been a blessing that I can only believe is the result of every good thing I have done in my life and somehow the bad being forgotten. He is perfect in every way that I can imagine- his smile has a way of shooting to my core and making any situation trivial compared to his needs. This will be his first Thanksgiving (not that it will mean much to him--he will still be eating baby food. I will just make sure to include pumpkin in his menu that day). When planning our holiday, Vlad and I initially thought we would venture out to California to see my family. They haven't met Cristian yet (aside from my Dad) and we would take the opportunity to fulfill my Mom's wishes and spread her ashes at sea.

I thought the only reason I would not be making this trip is the exorbitant prices.If I was honest, and I was not honest until very recently, I am not going because I am not ready to face that yet. I have not been back to California since my Mom's memorial and I do not want to turn Cristian's first Thanksgiving into something that will be sad for me. I thought I was dealing fairly well and it turns out I am not dealing at all. I am still in denial, thinking tomorrow will be different. Then I have the realization that I will NEVER hear her voice, NEVER hear her give me parenting advice, and she will NEVER see one of the smiles from Cristian that melts my heart. I am not healed--not by a long shot and I will not turn the Thanksgiving holiday into the time that I have to shut the door on the last part that holds my mom here.

So am I thankful? I am. Cristian has given me perspective that I did not have before. With that perspective, here is what I am thankful for:

I am grateful that I live a life that I never dreamed I would. I wake up each day to my best friend and now a beautiful, healthy little boy. I have two dogs that are the sweetest, most loyal friends you will ever have. I go to a job in which I do work that I love and am able to buy diapers and formula for my little boy. I have the most amazing network of friends (friends that will downright cheer for you when you are in labor!) and they will be there at the drop of a hat. I have a home every night at the end of the day to go to that is "home" in every sense of the word.

Yup, that's it. I am thankful for the life I lead and the many people that are part of it in some way. I am not going to search desperately for something I am thankful for for 21 days. December 1 I will still be thankful for the same things. Will you? Will you remember each of the 21 things that you said you were thankful for? Being thankful is not a trend, and if you can't remember each of the things you said you were thankful for, then you probably weren't very thankful were you?

Out.

Why Now?

I have realized that there are a lot of things that roll around in my head. I try to process them all but often, I come up short. What do they all mean? What do I do with all the thoughts? How can I make sense of them? I have realized that I do not really need to make sense of them, but I can at least put a voice to some of them. I have a blog that is dedicated to my infant son and his many miraculous smiles that I can't ever get enough of. I noticed that I would post things on there that really had little to do with my son and had everything to do with my emotions. Hence, this blog. Maybe it will help and provide an anonymous forum to voice my inner musings. We shall see if this is the case, but in any case, this will be the home of all the things I should never ever say out loud.