There have been quite a few posts the last 13 days. I guess there is some rule that you must post something you are thankful for each day. Some of the entries are truly touching and nice to read, some are downright revolting and you know that somewhere, someone has written that on a Hallmark card that was rejected. Don't get me wrong-I know you are thankful for the sunrise and being able to take pictures of your feet as you watch it and the dawning of another day in your perfect life. Would it be as perfect if this was not the month of Thanksgiving and you didn't have a phone with which to capture the moment and post it on Instagram? Who knows.
What I do know is that I too am thankful and I never do say that unless it is in the month of November. Shame on me and shame on you. Shame on us all for believing that spouting our thankfulness to the world via social media outlets somehow make the things we are thankful for all that more sweet. However, here goes, and I will conform and comment on the things that I am grateful for.
Many things have happened in the last couple of years and it has been such a whirlwind that I can hardly process it all. Cristian has been a blessing that I can only believe is the result of every good thing I have done in my life and somehow the bad being forgotten. He is perfect in every way that I can imagine- his smile has a way of shooting to my core and making any situation trivial compared to his needs. This will be his first Thanksgiving (not that it will mean much to him--he will still be eating baby food. I will just make sure to include pumpkin in his menu that day). When planning our holiday, Vlad and I initially thought we would venture out to California to see my family. They haven't met Cristian yet (aside from my Dad) and we would take the opportunity to fulfill my Mom's wishes and spread her ashes at sea.
I thought the only reason I would not be making this trip is the exorbitant prices.If I was honest, and I was not honest until very recently, I am not going because I am not ready to face that yet. I have not been back to California since my Mom's memorial and I do not want to turn Cristian's first Thanksgiving into something that will be sad for me. I thought I was dealing fairly well and it turns out I am not dealing at all. I am still in denial, thinking tomorrow will be different. Then I have the realization that I will NEVER hear her voice, NEVER hear her give me parenting advice, and she will NEVER see one of the smiles from Cristian that melts my heart. I am not healed--not by a long shot and I will not turn the Thanksgiving holiday into the time that I have to shut the door on the last part that holds my mom here.
So am I thankful? I am. Cristian has given me perspective that I did not have before. With that perspective, here is what I am thankful for:
I am grateful that I live a life that I never dreamed I would. I wake up each day to my best friend and now a beautiful, healthy little boy. I have two dogs that are the sweetest, most loyal friends you will ever have. I go to a job in which I do work that I love and am able to buy diapers and formula for my little boy. I have the most amazing network of friends (friends that will downright cheer for you when you are in labor!) and they will be there at the drop of a hat. I have a home every night at the end of the day to go to that is "home" in every sense of the word.
Yup, that's it. I am thankful for the life I lead and the many people that are part of it in some way. I am not going to search desperately for something I am thankful for for 21 days. December 1 I will still be thankful for the same things. Will you? Will you remember each of the 21 things that you said you were thankful for? Being thankful is not a trend, and if you can't remember each of the things you said you were thankful for, then you probably weren't very thankful were you?
Out.
